And we're back. Hello again. If you're reading and you're still interested, thanks. I know it's been a while but freedom of speech is not something the Chinese handle well. Anyway, for those of you who are used to the drivel that I spew on here, expect more of the same. I feel as though this is a bit of a special edition of the blog, kind of a "China Special" if you will. It's going to be a little longer than usual so put the kettle on and grab a packet of hob nobs.
Although the pic doesn't do it justice, that is the Himalayas.
Lets start at the start. The flight(s) from Kathmandu to Beijing. What a fucking nightmare.....obviously. If I ever have the misfortune of bumping into the fella from STA who booked our flights I'll be sure to give him a polite shake. Who the hell books a flight from Kathmandu to Beijing via Delhi, Colombo and Bangkok? 24 hours it took. A direct flight takes around 4 hours. It was a bad start. And as if I'm not scared of flying enough, the pilot of our first flight out of Kathmandu decided it was cool to fly through a storm that rattled the plane like I don't know what. I was one bump away from tears and had to ring the sweat out of my t-shirt when we finally popped out of the clouds. Nevertheless, 200 vallium pills and one bag of Laura's vomit later we touched down in Beijing.
Beijing was a pleasant change to what had became the norm in India and Nepal. The streets were cleanish, the temperature was cooler and it had a more cosmopolitan feel. We just slipped right into it without anyone noticing or caring. We were no longer celebrities that turned heads and were stopped in the streets for photographs, we were just a couple of idiots who were wearing hippie clothes in one of the most stylish cities in the world. The people here have lots of style, intelligence and something that lacked in India, common sense. They aren't idiots, they're slightly regimented, follow the rules and...oh yeah, have rules. It was a bit of a surprise that less people in China spoke English than in India given that they are more educated, but, when you have 1.2 billion other people to converse with in your own language I guess there isn't much need to learn a second. So the language barrier made it a little difficult to get around , you can't just stop someone in the street to ask where the subway station is or which BBQ dog restaurant (more on that later) is the best. Luckily we had some very helpful hostel staff who would write out the Chinese on a little slip of paper for what ever we wanted so we were always armed with a wad of Chinese writing to help us out. However, I have some suspicions about what was going on with these little slips of paper. Other than the fact that by presenting one to a local you are essentially handing over a declaration that you are an idiot and a sitting duck for scammers and pick pockets, I think the hostel staff might of been having a little laugh at our expense. One afternoon we were looking for a famous roast duck restaurant, one that is famous throughout China and everybody knows about. We had our slip with the Chinese writing on it and were showing it to Chinese people walking past when we knew we were roughly in the right area. Each one seemed to beam a smile and point straight forward. We'd follow in the direction of their finger and ask someone else. They would smile and point straight forward. We'd follow in the direction of their finger. Repeat. After a while it appeared that each person we approached would smile, and point in the direction that they were walking even though each person we asked was walking in different directions. After 40 minutes of this we gave up. I can't be sure, but I have a feeling that the literal translation of our little Chinese picture was "Smile, and point in the direction you are walking". Sneaky little fuckers.
The area of Beijing that we stayed in was a buzzing little epicenter of performing arts, boutiques and hipsters. It was easy to waste time watching it all and seeing what crazy ideas people had come up with to make money. Now, Beijing is notorious (as is most of Asia) for selling countfit goods. Snide T-shirts, shoes, jeans, DVD's, the works. One guy on our street had really taken snide goods to a new level though. He was sat in the street with a book full of autographs. Rooney was in there, Britney Spears, Michael Jackson and even Arnie. Well done I thought, this is a comprehensive collection of autographs, you must have had a lot of fun meeting all of these famous people. However, he was not there to show off his collection. He was there to provide tourists with snide autographs. He could make perfect copies of every autograph in his book. It was fucking bizarre. Snide T-shirts, OK. Snide DVD, fine. But why would you want a fake autograph? Surely the idea of getting an autograph is to show that you met one of your heroes. Why would you want to lie about that? Furthermore, how the hell do you explain having newly acquired Michael Jackson's autograph on your holiday in China?! He's been dead a while and it was pretty big news. You'd have to make up a bullshit story that actually he isn't dead but that he's hanging out with Bubbles and Chairman Mao in some hidden corner of the Forbidden City. It's not going to work. Still, there were enough people stupid enough to line this guy's pockets so fair play to him.
There is more to Beijing than just snidey gear though. There are a lot of amazing sights to see and a few not so good. I know long descriptions of tourist attractions doesn't really make for the most exciting reading but a couple are worth a quick shout. On our first day we visited the Forbidden City which is billed in the Lonely Planet as a "must see" attraction. All good except there is nothing to see. Some big red walls, a few red buildings and a whole bunch of Chinese tourists with huge cameras taking shite photos as usual. I thought there wouldn't be any Chinese tourists there, I thought they were all at the Taj Mahal. I was wrong. The Forbidden City should come with a warning to those with epilepsy as the flashing of cameras never let up for one second from the moment we entered. It was like a friggin disco. Being all worldly wise and what not we opted for the audio guide tour so that we could learn what the Forbidden City was all about. In India this proved a fantastic way to get a little information about what we were looking at. No joy here though. The guides used GPS so that you didn't have to faff about with pressing buttons, they would just start talking when you were near a point of interest. Unfortunately they had the accuracy of a darts player with Parkinsons. The guide would be blabbing on about the Temple of Spirits and I'd be stood next to the bogs. Rubbish. We left after about 45 minutes disheartened and bored. To be quite honest if you've seen the archway at China Town in the Toon, I wouldn't bother with the Forbidden City, they've done a pretty good job there.
Luckily the next day we had arranged to head to the Great Wall of China. We weren't holding out for anything too spectacular given our thoughts on one of China's other "must see" attractions. However, the Great Wall was a different story altogether. It's one of the most amazing thing's I have ever seen. We traveled to a more remote section of the wall to ensure that our view wasn't interrupted by KFC and McDonalds and it was worth it. I didn't learn much about it but purely as a visual spectacle it ticks all the boxes with a big chunky marker pen. If you only visit one place in China before the reaper comes a'nockin, make sure its the Great Wall.
Like all of China, Beijing provides some pretty odd culinary treats. In fact, it provides an overwhelming array of weird foods. I try my best to get involved and eat what the locals eat rather than the touristic dishes that hostels and hotels provide and I rarely decline to try anything but China made that very difficult. Some of the more popular eats included boiled or fried scorpion, silk worms and centipedes, sheep dick and balls, lizzard on a stick and sheep intestine soup. You know that when sheep bollocks are the safest option on the menu things aren't going your way. That said, I managed to get a sheep bollock kebab down (which were oddly served in threes) and a fried scorpion.
Yep. Big old scorpions.
But where was the chowmein? Where was the sweet and sour pork? Nowhere to be seen. Here, eat a cow brain. In truth it's unfair to pretend that the food in China wasn't amazing once you get into it, but they do have a lot of weird looking things that I had to stay away from. To learn a little more about the food culture we decided to enroll on a Chinese cooking course which included a trip to the local market to buy the ingredients for the dishes we were making. The cooking course was as you might expect but the market was a little weird. The first area we visited within the market was the seafood (food being the very broadest term for some of the stuff) section. There were buckets and tanks filled with all sorts of creatures that looked as though the had had better days. Chinese lobster, eels, frogs and turtles all pilled into tiny spaces with barley enough room to breathe. They're all kept alive for freshness which is agreeable in terms of hygiene but I couldn't help feeling sorry for the turtles being picked up and inspected like something off the shelf in Asda. One lady who had finished chucking them around finally picked one and lobed it into her shopping bag. IT WAS STILL ALIVE. It's not a
The first time Laura has been in the kitchen
in over two years.
fucking orange, don't treat it like one. In a way it was interesting to see, and it's not up to me to go ranting my western ideals to locals who frankly couldn't give a shit what I think. After the "seafood" section we moved on to vegetables. Yawn. Show me more weird stuff. I decided to wonder about on my own to see what I could find while the rest of the group discussed lettuce. The meat section. Now, like the seafood section all of the meat was very fresh, AKA alive. We all know what a battery chicken is, they were everywhere and it didn't really shock me. Chickens are pretty much bread to be made into delicious roast dinners. The rabbits however did make me shudder. At first I didn't really know what I was looking at, it looked like a big cage full of fluff. It was only when I saw the red eyes popping out that I realised what they were. I know we eat rabbit but I'm pretty sure they aren't big white fluffy things comparable to Thumper from Bambi. There were other animals in the same state; geese, ducks and a few other things that I didn't recognize. For me though, none of these things were the worst part of the meat section. There was one other butcher in the furthest corner that I stumbled upon by chance. The cat and dog butcher. No shit. I had heard that they eat dogs (although I'd never come across it) and cats was news to me. It was grim. At the very moment I stopped outside there was a cat being skinned. Across the shop were cages stuffed full of both cats and dogs. It really got me. Dogs have the ability to show emotion in their eyes, you know what I mean, if a dog lets one go in the living room you can see the guilt in its face.
Gayest dog ever.
These dogs has the saddest eyes, they knew what was coming. The sooner the better I thought. I wasn't standing there with a bag of popcorn watching the entire show unfold mind, after about three seconds I was aggressively told to "Fuck off" by the butcher. The best use of English by a local I had come across too. I had to wonder why he was so tetchy about me being there. Either he was sick of tourists gawping at the way he makes his living or he didn't want me to see what was going on. Either way, I was ready to move along. I find it very strange that the Chinese love to dress up their pet dogs in dungarees and shoes and carry them around because they are to precious to walk but will happily serve dog hot pot for dinner. A funny way of life to me.
Available for Olympic opening ceremonies.
I'm not scared to admit that I'm done with temples. I've ranted about it before. That's why I wasn't arsed about going to The Temple of Heaven when Laura suggested we should go. The temple sits in massive grounds which serves as one of Beijing's biggest parks. It's not your average park either. It's full of old timers dancing, singing, playing in the jungle gym and playing with toys. It's amazing. Group dancing is a pretty common thing to see in China, everywhere you go you see groups of old folks dancing around ghetto blasters like brothers from the hood (and the 80's) but anyone who is anyone was dancing in the Temple of Heaven Park. The en mass dancing wasn't the main attraction though. Another common activity for old timers is to play around in adult style jungle gyms. They look just the same as kids play areas but no kids go there. They're too busy studying and learning to play piano. I bouled over to one of the pull up type contraptions like the big dawg thinking I could show a few old men how it was done. I casually jumped up and blasted out a few pull ups without breaking a sweat or gasping for air (some details may have been altered to help the flow of the story). When I was finished and awaiting the deafening sound of applause from the onlookers I could hear only laughing and what I believe was mockery. One fella even pointed to his biceps and made a sad face at me. Cheeky bastard. Needless to say I had nothing to offer. These guys were strong, like ex Olympic champs or some shit. One of them could even do this........
What. A. Lad.
After Beijing we headed to Shanghai, from where there is not one single thing of interest to report. Feel free to enjoy this photo of The Bund though.
Xi'an is home to the Terracotta Warriors which was the main reason for our visit. They're a real treat. As a spectacle they don't really offer too much, it's the story that interested me. In 1974 a farmer was digging a well and came across some ruins that turned out to be what are now known as the Terracotta Warriors. Life sized clay models of soldiers. Since then, over 2000 warriors have been discovered in the area all with different weapons, clothing and faces (which is weird because all Chinese people look the same so surely one face would have been enough) as well as the Tomb of Emperor Qin Shi Hung. In total, an area of 56 square kilometers is to be carefully excavated as surveys of the ground suggest that the warriors are buried all around the tomb. In a nut shell this Qin Shi Hung fella was so scared of the afterlife that he spent years and years having thousands of clay warriors created and positioned around his tomb. What a pussy. What happened to the farmer I here you ask. Surely he is loaded given that he discovered one of the largest archaeological finds in recent history? Nope. The Chinese government took his farm off him and gave him nothing for it other than a seven day a week job signing autographs in the gift shop. I could of got a snide one from that fella in Beijing if I'd known.
Enjoying the view in Xi'an after a lengthy climb.
After Xi'an we took a 28 hour train ride to Yangshuo, one of the most beautiful places I've seen. It's a cross between the "Lost" island and Pandora from Avatar. I didn't come across any weird blue people or black smoke there, the scenery is just similar. Let me tell you something; A 28 our non stop train in China is not much fun. We couldn't afford a posh ticket so we were in with the riff raff. Men spitting and throwing food waste on the floor, women snoring (one whilst awake) constantly and the smell of instant noodles filled the air for the entire journey. I felt more jet lagged from this journey than I did going from Nepal to Beijing. But, it was either this or getting in touch with the agent at STA to sort out our journey and I didn't fancy going from Xi'an to Yangshuo via Sydney. We spent a very relaxed four nights in Yangshuo getting involved with cycling, caving, mud baths, hot springs and a little more than the usual amount of drinking. Don't mention that I was beer pong champion (for three games). Unfortunately time started to catch up with us during our stay so we had to move on to Hong Kong.
Hong Kong Harbor.
Due to our flight schedule we only managed a few days in Hong Kong. On one hand that is no where near enough time to explore but on the other it is more than enough. It all depends on how rich you are. If you like shopping for designer clothes, eating in Michelin star restaurants and paying more than seven quid for a pint of Carlsberg it's ideal. If your daily budget is the equivalent of the tube fair from your hotel to the nearest tourist attraction then i'm afraid you're out of luck. As were we. Hong Kong is all about money. Yuppies from every corner of the world gather there in their poorly fitting suits and standard issue toff hair cuts to talk about how much money they have made over champagne. It's nice to be part of it for a couple of days but that was enough for me. It's similar to Dubai only dirtier and with a lot more going on but just as in Dubai, life revolves around the dollar bill.
Our accommodation in Hong Kong was something to behold. For anyone who has been to Hong Kong on a budget I'll bet you stayed here too. Chungkong Mansions. What a shit hole. It's a sixteen story monstrosity that is the stomping ground for the most dodgy people in Hong Kong and possibly the world. Indians and Africans line the corridors and ground floors selling sex, drugs, porn mags and anything that a shifty fellow might want. Every floor is filled with nasty hostels that over charge for their nasty rooms. The building reminds me of something from the classic 90's Stallone movie "Judge Dread". In case you haven't seen it, it's not a good thing. My advice would be to never go there, save up some dosh and stay somewhere nice where you aren't scared that your girlfriend is going to be kidnapped and pimped out.
So, that's about it for China. At least that is some of the more interesting stuff anyway. All in all we had a fantastic time during our few short weeks. We visited some mind blowing sights, met amazing people, tried food that I never knew was edible and learned that we will have to go back if we really want to understand the place. Three weeks in tourist hot spots made for a top notch holiday but I'm certain that we didn't get under the skin of China to discover what it's all about. You'd need months to manage that. So, as we tick off our list of places visited, our list of places to visit grows even longer. We had better start planning another trip if we're ever going to get round it all.
Lessons learned in China;
It's acceptable to walk around Beijing with a T-shirt that says "I love BJ". We all do, but wearing a t-shirt stating it is a bit much. Have some dignity.
Chinese pay more for chicken cartilage than they do for breast.
Bartering in China is harder than anywhere else in the world. How can I argue with a women that refers to me as handsome and a strong man? Answer, I can't. Fleeced.
Scorpion is delicious.
Dogs can't walk in shoes. Never put your dog in shoes.
Just because the Lonely Planet says so doesn't mean it is so.
Old people in China are fitter and have more fun than young people. It's a suitable retirement option.
Finally, to answer a certain question from a certain mother: Yes, Ethiopian Airlines do provide an in flight meal.
Da na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BAT CAVE!
Well. It feels like a while since I last posted but it's been none stop action since we landed in Nepal. Now that I have a bit of down time I figured I should let you in on what's happened over the last 10 days or so. I don't want to bore you with drab stories of cultural experiences, I know you're all eagerly awaiting bowel updates but some of the things we have done here need a little mention at least. So, mountain biking, bat caves, mountain top sun rise, elephant trek, elephant bath, canyoning, white water rafting. I think that about sums it up. Now that that's all out of the way we can get on with the usual stuff.
We arrived in Nepal on the 23rd of March, being UK citizens we were able to obtain our visas on the door which was handy. Easy enough you might think but I'm over thinking that things might be straight forward now. We filled in the appropriate visa documentation, got out enough cash from the ATM in the airport (Nepalese currency is the best monopoly money so far) and joined the winding and slow moving queue to have our visas processed. After waiting in the queue for an hour we reached the processing desk and were sternly informed that we could not pay for our visas with Nepalese Rupees. What? Where are we? Did we not just land in Nepal? Are we not applying for a Nepalese Visa?! Why were we not informed at the other end of the queue?!? WHY ARE YOU WASTING MY ALREADY LIMITED TIME IN YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY?!? And breathe.....Without causing too much of a scene we left the queue and headed for the currency exchange desk where we paid an over the odds commission on a terrible exchange rate to get American Dollars. Ohhhh, that's why we can't pay using Nepalese Rupees. Fleeced. Good start.
After the initial visa annoyance things ran pretty smoothly during our time here. The biggest problem that we've faced is knowing that there is so much to do and that neither our timescale or budget would allow us to do it. There are 14 day rafting expeditions, paragliding flights around the peaks of the Himalayas, 40 day treks, bunji jumps and all other manner of exciting and challenging activities. Our visit to Nepal has only shown us that we need to come back with more time and more money. I've felt like a horse with a carrot dangling in front of me on a piece of string. It's just been one big tease. That said, we have made the most of our time here. We have challenged ourselves and its been amazing.
I know right, look at the view..............
I never thought I'd manage a 53K mountain bike trail to the top of a mountain where we had to gain 860m during one day. I never thought I'd have the balls to suspend myself at the top of a 45m waterfall and abseil down it. I never thought I'd have a bath with an elephant and I never thought I'd struggle to shimmy through the roof of a cave filled with bats. It's good to challenge yourself every now and then though, the things that scare you the most are the things that you get the most enjoyment from when you conquer them....or something. Philosophy anyone?
This was more tiring than the cycling.
After the first day of our bike ride we stayed in a guest house at the top of a mountain in Sarangkot. I'm told that the views from here are amazing but naturally a haze had descended on the whole area making it impossible to see anything. We had hoped that it might be clearer in the morning for sunrise (I might as well tell you now that it was no clearer, don't hold out for an explanation of the view or a photo, you'll be better off searching Sarangkot in Google images, that's what I had to do). Our time at the top of the mountain was incredible all the same. We spent the evening hanging out with the local kids playing football, cards and teaching them how to ride bikes. It was a really touching experience (yeah, uber traveler chat again, sorry). We stayed in a really cool guesthouse which cost about a quid and even came with a toilet attendant. Not the kind that asked for money for turning on the tap for you either. It was a pretty effective toilet attendant given that it had eight legs and more eyes than I could count, good for multi-tasking. It was the right colour too (too far?). In case you haven't figured out what I'm trying to say, here is a photo of said toilet attendant.
Our friendly toilet attendant.
It's a predicament to be scared shitless and to scared to shit. I might of tried to kill it but I'm sure if I stood on it it would have carried me away to its nest.
The hostel stated that the shower was located outside.
Although spiders are a bit too much for us, we do like being close to nature so we headed to Chitwan National park for a few days to go on an elephant trek. I'm sure that you can imagine going through the jungle on the back of an elephant is a pretty amazing experience, and it was. We were even lucky enough to encounter a wild rhino (I've thought of having another playful jab at Laura with some kind of "Laura is a rhino" style joke but the Cracken thing from my last post didn't go down too well, so I'll lay off). After the trek we took a stroll down to the river where the elephants go to bathe. For a small fee the elephant trainers would let you jump in and have a bit of a wrestle and a wash. I was surprised how gentle and responsive they are given the size of them. It was a lot more fun than the typical "bucket shower" that we're now used to.
The past few days have been a little more adrenaline fulled. Canyoning and white water rafting made for tiring and challenging changes to our pretty comfortable routine. I felt like a total action hero during both days even though I was a) shatting myself and b) rubbish at both activities. Nonetheless I done my best and managed to survive.
I'm not sure if you can tell, but that is the expression of fear.
So, we have successfully managed to obtain our visas for China and are due to fly out tomorrow. Hopefully we are about to start another exciting period but China has a lot to live up to if it wants to be as much fun as Nepal. As I said last time I'm not sure what the crack is with internet usage over there so you might have to wait a while for the next post. I'll make sure I keep notes so that I don't miss anything out.
Lessons learned this week:
There isn't much you can't do if you really put your mind to it.
Conquering a fear is the biggest adrenaline rush you can get, so get on with it.
If I have to have the standard traveler conversation (Where are you from? Where have you been? Where did you like? Where are you going next? etc.) my head will literally burst.
I'm more scared of spiders than I thought.
Apologies if this post looks a little higledy-pigledy. The computer I'm on isn't the easiest to work with.
Luckily the next day we had arranged to head to the Great Wall of China. We weren't holding out for anything too spectacular given our thoughts on one of China's other "must see" attractions. However, the Great Wall was a different story altogether. It's one of the most amazing thing's I have ever seen. We traveled to a more remote section of the wall to ensure that our view wasn't interrupted by KFC and McDonalds and it was worth it. I didn't learn much about it but purely as a visual spectacle it ticks all the boxes with a big chunky marker pen. If you only visit one place in China before the reaper comes a'nockin, make sure its the Great Wall.
Luckily the next day we had arranged to head to the Great Wall of China. We weren't holding out for anything too spectacular given our thoughts on one of China's other "must see" attractions. However, the Great Wall was a different story altogether. It's one of the most amazing thing's I have ever seen. We traveled to a more remote section of the wall to ensure that our view wasn't interrupted by KFC and McDonalds and it was worth it. I didn't learn much about it but purely as a visual spectacle it ticks all the boxes with a big chunky marker pen. If you only visit one place in China before the reaper comes a'nockin, make sure its the Great Wall. 
