Road Rash?!

I always try to let Laura read my blog posts before I publish them just to make sure I've not been too offensive or crossed any lines.  I like to balance somewhere between a jape and an insult if I can.  I'm trying my hardest to prod fun at every race, ethnicity, country, disability and sexual preference but without actually stepping the boundary into being a racist or gay basher.  I like to think that largely I have succeeded in doing so.  This time though, Laura has warned me that I might be being a little to harsh about some people.  I kind of agree, but what can I do? When Laura shit the bed  I was honest and wrote about it.  If I see something I think is funny, I share it with you.  In the interest of being honest throughout this trip I have to call it as I see it.  If what I see is a fat sweaty Glaswegian fella who makes my skin crawl, I have to say that's what I saw.  I mean no harm.

I honestly thought I looked cool at the time.

Just to give you a quick update, we're still in Laos and we're slowly making our way south into Cambodia. We've been in Luang Prabang (where I last posted), spent a few days tubing in Vang Vieng, went on a boat trip through a 7.5km cave in Ko Long and I'm sat now in......I literally can't remember....somewhere near some waterfalls or something. Anyway, life in Laos is slow.  Slower than anywhere we've been yet and I guess as we see the people around us moving like sloths we've kind of copied them.  It's been a relaxing break.

Our first little bit of excitement was tubing on the Mekong river in Vang Vieng. Tubing in Laos is a right of passage for any traveler in or around the country.  If you were here and didn't do it, you're a loser, or so they say.  Tubing is a big piss up on a river lined with bars where the only way to get from free shot to free shot is on the water in an inflatable tube. Each time you stop at a bar you are encouraged to drink as much free liquor as you can before being directed to diving platforms, zip-lines and tree swings that ordinarily I wouldn't dream of using for fear of hitting rocks in the water but after a few free shots I'm hard as fuck...........and rich, and my banter is superb, and all the ladies love me.  You all know the feeling.  I was dreading it to be honest,  the last thing I wanted was to be surrounded by drunken dick heads acting like, well, drunken dick heads.  I'm not much into that.  Surprisingly though I wasn't surrounded by idiots, the people we met there were some of the nicest we've come across so that kind of made my day.  From what I remember I had a blast, we all did.  I can't remember much mind, here is the just of what I do recall.

• Arrive at first bar, drink shots and beer.
• Float to second bar, drink shots and buckets of Lao-Lao.
• Something about jumping into the water.
• Something about nicking a bar's microphone and announcing free Jagermeister shots for everyone....and getting them.
• Something about capsizing a friends tube in the river and kicking her in the head.
• Something about a monkey.
• Something about dancing about trying to catch butterflies on the riverbank.
• Something about doing a strip tease while pouring beer all over myself.
• Blank.
• Blank.

What was it I was saying about drunken dick heads? You can take the lad out of The Toon but you can't take The Toon out of the lad.

Trying to smile even though two-face is round the corner.

After nursing a day long hang over we then headed to Ko Long Cave.  It's not one of the biggest in the world, I'm not sure if it comes close but it is 7.5km long, pitch black and bloody cool.  I was a little nervous about it, I couldn't stop thinking about flash floods.  I don't know why, I don't even fully know what a flash flood is.  Never mind, the guides navigating the boats will make me feel more comfortable right? Nope.  The guide navigating the boats looked like a bad guy from a horror movie about pirates.  He didn't have a wooden leg and a parrot, he had half a face.  No shit.  Half a face. His jaw and teeth were all over the shop. His was just eyes, then teeth, kind of like a skull.  It was weird. I'm not talking about a hilarious Tommy Lee Jones style two face either.  No.  I'm talking about a scary ass bad guy pirate mother fucker. I'll be honest with you, I'm not mocking the guy, I feel sorry for him and to mock him in any way shows a lack of sensitivity and maturity.  I get that.  But, If you look like a scary pirate mother fucker, do not apply for a job where you have to navigate already nervous tourists into a 7.5km pitch black cave on a boat.  It just seems wrong.  As it happens the caves weren't as scary as I thought they were going to be, it was actually an exhilarating experience and I'd love to do it again.  Next time though let the pirate fella hand out the life jackets or something, don't put him on the boat.  No scrap that, no pirate fellas anywhere near the attraction.

Since leaving England we haven't really met many English (or British) people but a couple of nights ago I had the pleasure of bumping into a Glaswegian chap in the street.  If I say Glaswegian what do you think of?   Well I didn't really have an opinion, I had figured they might be holding some kind of battered Mars Bar or pizza though.  But, this guy didn't have any battered goods so I have egg on my face.  He was however obese and rotund, surrounded by prostitutes, pissed out of his brain and luckily for me, he wanted to be best mates.  Oh, sure, I'll hang out with you, I love hanging out with prostitutes and drunk fat men. Laura and our friends managed to escape his grasp so it just left me and him on a one on one.  Brilliant.  I tried to keep the conversation light but all I could get out of him was "I'm fucking starving man, I need to get some food before I take these girls back".  Wow.  I tried to walk a little faster to see if I could lose him but he explained that he was in agony and couldn't walk any faster because he had road rash.  What the fuck is road rash?! Why are you telling me?! I figured it was some kind of rash that had occurred as a result of his fat thighs rubbing together in the sweltering Laos heat.  If you get to a point in your life where you can't haul your fat ass to a take away to get a pizza because your fat legs are hurting after rubbing together so badly that it pains you to walk, you should not be trying to walk to a takeaway for a pizza.  That should be obvious to even the fattest, dumbest pizza eating Glaswegian.

That bug there is dinner to some people.

It hasn't all been fat Glaswegians and half faced pirates though.  I met the coolest little lad in a guest house in the middle of the Laos countryside.  Right out in the sticks kids have to make their own fun.  I think it's like the old days.  So at night when the sun was down this little lad would turn on a light bulb and wait to attract a variety of bugs that he could catch and eat.  Yep.  Making your own fun.  After about 10 minutes or so of waiting, a beetle the size of a robin flew in and started buzzing around the light bulb.  It sounded like a chainsaw.  He caught it with his bare hands and was pretty pleased with himself.  He brought it to us to show it off but I'm not sure we gave him the reaction he was hoping for.  Instead off applause and high fives, he was offered a screaming Laura running around the table to get away from him.  I managed to pluck up a bit of courage and asked him to put it on my hand.  It's just a bug, and this kid was like seven so how bad could it be? Quite bad actually.  The thing had hooks for feet and as soon as it touched me it hooked itself into my hand.  There was no getting it off.  Now I don't like to make a scene or lose face but I straight up panicked.  Seeing a seven year old boy laugh at me whilst I was pleading for his help was a low moment.  In the end I just had to rip it out of my hand.  It hurt like hell but the bug was worse off.  It had left a couple of legs behind in my hand.  I showed him.  Luckily the creature didn't have to put up with the pain of losing a couple of legs for very long before he was shoved in hot oil and fried.  Kindly, the little lad offered us a bite but we politely refused.  My Mam used to tell me about making your own fun, I never knew this is what she meant.

Laura always goes overboard at Tesco.

After our time in the countryside it was just a case of taking a 20 hour bus ride to where we are now.  No big deal.  As per usual the driver and his mates had a number of side businesses to tend to whilst on the road which included about 50 deliveries of fresh Vegetables.  I promise you that the drivers chilli bags took up more seats than the people.  We were lucky and found a seat but many others had to stand.  Bizarre. The roads in Laos are as dangerous as the rest of Asia and I couldn't help feeling that if we were to be in a head on collision with another bus, the locals could literally just scoop us out and serve us as curry on the road side. We would have been perfectly garnished and spiced.






 Lessons Learnt This Week;

1. Don't believe the Lonely Planet when it states that a bus will take 6 hours.  It doesn't consider drivers side businesses.
2. Don't try to be hard and hold big beetles, you will end up looking like a girl.
3. Don't worry about drunken dick heads ruining your day when in fact you are a drunken dick head.

VIP's

Now then, just a quick formality before we get started.  A couple of things have changed on the blog, or rather, have been added. At the top of this page under the title "Bouling Al Owwa The World" there is a box.  If you stick your e-mail address in the said box and click 'submit' you will automatically get updates from the blog via e-mail.  Nice right?  Also, at the bottom of the post, you'll see a few new icons.  These icons allow you to share the blog directly to your Twitter and Facebook pages.  In other words, it's a lot easier to share the blog with people who I can't pester on Facebook through messages and wall posts.  So, if you feel the need you can forward the blog via e-mail (now that you have all signed up) and share it with your pals via social networking by just clicking the buttons at the bottom of the post.  Give it a bash, hopefully it works!  Formalities end.

This has got to be the best way to get around.

We're now in Laos after our couple of weeks in Northern Thailand.  We ended up staying Thai side of the border for a little longer than we had planned but in fairness we were having a bloody nice time so why not?  We stayed in Chiang Mai for an extra day so that we could jam in one last little adventure in the Jungle and then headed to Chaing Rai to see the White Temple (don't worry, it was actually pretty interesting).  Our jungle adventure was as usual, an amazing experience.  I don't think I'll ever get bored of hanging out with elephants and swimming in lagoons, but, I've already blogged about this sort of thing so I'm going to move on to Wat Rong Khun, better known as 'The White Temple'.

As per usual I could't be bothered to read the guide book to find out what it was Laura was blabbing on about while I was trying to enjoy a relaxing breakfast, but apparently we were heading out of town to see another temple.  Woopdy-fucking-doo.  I don't argue anymore, I just go, try not to complain too much and smile for the photos so that when I post my blogs it looks as though I was having a good time.  This is what always happens, this is what I expected to happen at The White Temple. To my delight, I was wrong.  The White temple is fucking cool.  I'll give you a quick bit of background info;  The temple was designed by Mr. Chalermchai Kositpipa (A fiver says you didn't read his name right first time) who is apparently a well known artist in Thailand.  Again, Laura's forte not mine.  He wanted to design and build a more modern temple that would stand out from the monotonous sea of other temples all over Asia.  I have to give a guy credit where credit is due, I think he pulled it off.  Construction started in 1997 and is due to finish in 2070.  That's pretty annoying, chances are I won't be around to see the finished product, and if I am, I'm likely to be wearing adult nappies and feeling up the nurse as she spoons me medication.  I won't be giving a fuck about temples in Thailand.

Not your ordinary Temple.

Anyway, the part that is finished is beautiful, weird, modern and through my eyes, has more to do with popular culture than religion.  A regular Buddhist temple is covered in images of Buddha, has dragons and shit all over the walls and makes me feel slightly unwelcome.  So what is it that makes The White Temple different? Well, how about a sculpture of the alien from predator climbing out of the ground right outside? How about a painting of Neo from the matrix chilling out with the blue lads from Avatar and Darth Vader (amongst others) that covers one entire wall of the inside of the temple?  How about a pit of doom which includes over 500 hands reaching up from hell?  How about a no smoking sign with hands that hold cigarettes? How about traffic cones designed to look like skulls? You get the point, it's more a large scale work of art than a temple.  We spent a good few hours looking for all of the quirky little bits that made us laugh and I  genuinely had a good time.  Mr Kositpipa, I take my imaginary hat off to you, you created an interesting temple.  Well done lad.  All of that said, I can't help but feel sorry for the monks who have to pray under the watchful eyes of The Sith Lord.  I wonder if it will work?

Laura laughing at my "make the water hot' trick.

After our stay in Chiang Rai we headed over the border to Laos.  To our surprise it was an easy enough process.  We just jumped in a boat with our belongings, crossed the river and boom, we were in Laos.  I felt just like a Refugee en route for England, the only difference being that there was a small formal checking process where we were required to provide a passport and buy a visa.  Other than that though, I'm sure it's the same.  Any who, all was well until we got stuck in the shitty little border town of Huay Xai.  What a place.  It has a population of 3 cockroaches, 4 dogs, 2 cats and one guest house owner who looked as though she was well passed her sell by date.  It was our own fault for not checking the bus times but it was just one of those things.  After spending a boring night and day in Huay Xai, we decided we'd book ourselves onto the VIP bus to Luang Prabang so that we might get a little bit of well deserved luxury.  It was a 14 hour journey so why not?  Let me explain to you what a VIP bus in Laos is.  No, let me first tell you how it was explained to me by the sales person.  It has air-con, fully reclining seats with extra leg room, an entertainment system for playing music and DVD's and is quieter than public buses so provides a better sleeping environment.  Brilliant, sign me up for that.  Now let me tell you what we actually got.  No air-con.  Windows that wouldn't open because the sliding mechanism had rusted shut.  A seat that was constantly in recline because the leaver was broken but that vaulted me forward every time the driver used his brakes.  Shitty local music being blared into my ear from the speaker that was an inch away from my head, until 4am. A woman who decided that blearing music wasn't enough fun at 2am and so decided to sing along to the tunes WITH A FUCKING MICROPHONE for a further 2 hours.  However, extra leg room was provided for the passenger behind Laura as the back of Laura's seat fell apart freeing up an extra inch or so. So there you go, thats what you get on a VIP bus in Laos.

Full of enthusiasm as we set off for the caves.

Luckily the city of Luang Prabang has so far been a bit of a treat.  We've spent the most of our time here eating and relaxing except for a little cycling excursion to a cave today.  It all went pretty well apart from the cave bit.  After enjoying the White Temple so much I decided that I'd have a little glance in the guide book to see if there was anything I fancied doing.  I read about a cool sounding cave that was only a few kilometers out of town.  Nice one, we'll have a nice relaxing ride, explore the caves and get back in time to chill out and have a couple of beers.  Proudly, I explained my master plan to Laura who was frankly too amazed that I was actually making an effort to care about what we were doing or check my plans.  So off we went, on our bikes, with the map.  We ended up cycling for about 3 hours (on a trip that should have been nearer 45 minutes) but I put this down to part of the adventure.  You know, getting lost in paradise and all that.  The mid morning heat got a little overwhelming for Laura so she decided she would sit in a cafe and eat ice cream while I cycled away to find the cave.  Fair enough.  I cycled for a few kilometers further and still couldn't find any sign of the caves or any locals who knew what I was on about.  I decided to go back to meet Laura so that we could re-asses the situation and maybe jump in a taxi instead.  When I got back she smugly asked me if I had found it.  When I told her I hadn't she smiled to herself and sipped on her coke.  Annoyed, I asked her what was so funny.  Just for the record, Laura loves it when I'm wrong, it makes her day.  She patronizingly got out the book and asked me to read the section on the caves again.  I did.  Still nothing.  Knowing that I would never figure out what had gone on she decided to let me in on the'joke'.  Apparently I'd read about the caves in an entirely unrelated section of the book and they weren't actually anywhere near the city we were in.  For fuck sake.  The one time I try to organise something and be a little proactive it all goes tits up.  We never made it to the caves but I reckon that even now as Laura lies blissfully reading somewhere that her smug smile will be wrapped around her face so if nothing else, I made her day.

Lessons learnt this week;

1. Not every temple is boring.
2. VIP means shit all in Laos.
3. I'm no good at organising activities.

Just Like The Good Old Days.

A little culture anyone?

They say that you should never go on holiday to the same place twice.  They say that it will never be as good or that you will be disappointed.  I think for the most part that I believe both of those statements.  That said, coming back to Thailand has always been something I've wanted to do and I think now, five years later, I've probably changed enough to make it interesting and exciting again. For me, this was the place that started it all off, it's the reason I'm on this trip and writing this blog and it's the reason for all of the trip's in between. I realized first time round that the world has plenty to offer, different cultures to learn about, foods to eat, people to meet and that I can experience things that I didn't even know existed during my days of study and work.  Ever since then I've done my best to indulge myself in as much of the world as I can.  For me though, coming back to a country is a first.  I've been aware from far too young an age that life's clock is always ticking and that your batteries could run out at any given moment with or without warning.  So why waste time seeing and doing things that you have already seen and done?! Well, firstly, I had the time of my life here first time around and secondly, I have a better half who has a lust and fascination for seeing and learning everything about everywhere too.  So why not, Thailand has been good to me before and I'm sure it will be this time.

When we touched down in Bangkok I had an instant urge of excitement.  Firstly because the plane hadn't crashed like I was certain it would and secondly because we were about to start another chapter of our adventure.  It's crazy to think that we've been away almost four months and that each time we land in a different country it feels like the first day of our travels every time.  After freshening up we headed straight down to Khao San Road, the first port of call for any traveler in Thailand.  Khao San Road is street filled with bars, restaurants, clubs, shops, massage parlours and hostels. It's also full of dick heads.  Thailand is a notorious party scene and unfortunately attracts some of the people who would usually be in Biggie on a Saturday night but have popped over here to pay for sex with underage girls and start fights.  You know the type, one hand filled with pills and the other occupied with some tarts clunge on the dance floor.  It also seems to be a great place for toff's to blow their daddy's allowance on cheap booze.  Have I gone through the toff thing yet? They're one rank below hippies.  Their idea of a cultured experience is to walk past a beggar on the street and take a photo with them because it's not something you see in Chelsea. Chundering Everywar anyone? Anyway, as we were walking down Khao San Road I could feel the hairs on my neck standing up as floods of memories came back to me.  Nothing to enlightening, just little bits and bobs. I realized that I was going to have to fight the urge to share all of these memories with Laura for fear of boring her and taking away from the experiences we were set to have.  Ooooh, thats where I got drunk, that's where I lost my wallet, that's where I ate some noodles.  That shit will get pretty boring pretty quickly and I don't want this part of the trip to be a competition between this time and the last.

We go to great lengths to get out of the heat.

The heat here has really affected us.  It's 40 during the day and about 35 at night.  You'll all be pleased to know that we have both been shitting our pants and chucking up our dinner on a regular basis, just like the good old days.  Hopefully we will acclimatize soon and will be able to get back to a reasonable pace instead of planning our days around proximity to the nearest long drop.  So far it's been slow, an average day at this point works like this;

• Wake up
• Shit
• Get dressed
• Argue about who is going to use the toilet
• Shit
• Eat breakfast
• Shit
• Possibly see a sight (providing its air conditioned and has toilet facilities)
• Throw up
• Eat dinner
• Shit
• Have a massage
• Shit / throw up
• Go to bed

Not exactly the plan we had in mind but we have to work with what we've got.  I'll be sure to keep you up to date on who shits the bed first.  Statistically Laura is favorite at 3:1. 

Transport in Asia is getting weirder and weirder.

Other than shitting and racing our bodies to see if we can get more water in than sweat coming out (which so far we have not managed) it's been a total holiday here.  We've both noticed how nice the Thai people are but in truth we're having a little bit of difficulty letting our guards down and trusting the locals.  A few days ago when we were walking around aimlessly trying to find a bus station I popped into a cafe and asked lady sitting with some friends if she could point us in the right direction.  She tried her best but couldn't find the English words to get her point across.  Maybe it would have helped if we had had a little slip with a Thai translation on it so she could have smiled and pointed straight ahead.....Maybe not.  It was no problem to us though, it was nice to have her try. As we were walking away she came running over and told us to wait, her husband was going to give us a lift.  Now, in India this would have sent alarm bells ringing. It would mean either we were going to be murdered, raped, beaten up, robbed or at the very least, Laura would have to show a bit of nip before the doors would be unlocked.  No way.  I'm not getting into a car with a random guy in a country I know next to nothing about.  I'm not letting some perv look at my baby girls nips.  We'd be better off walking.  But this helpful lady seemed to have a genuine smile and appeared as though she genuinely wanted to help so we took a gamble and jumped in the car.  Our driver couldn't speak any English and we have no Thai so it was a little awkward just sitting there for the twenty minutes it took but low and behold we turned a corner and there was the bus station.  He drove us in, stopped to ask some locals which bus we needed to get on and pretty much drove us to the bus doors.  Now the awkward moment.  Was I going to have to pay him? How much? Was Laura going to have to show nip? Nope.  He give us a big smile and a lengthy handshake before motioning for us to get on the bus.  What a hero! A genuine couple of people who just wanted to help for the sake of being nice. Being nice for being nice sake has been a pretty rare thing so far during our trip. So, with this in mind, I guess we can let our guards down and start to trust the local people.  Watch this space for forthcoming stories of us getting scammed.

Now, something else that we've noticed is the classic "old fella with pretty young Thai girl" scenario.  It's a weird one but in truth I understand the concept.  Old lonely fellas can come over here to be kept company by young women with the likelihood of getting a happy ending.  The girls get paid, the fella gets laid and everyone goes home a little better off.  At least that's the situation on the surface.  Although I can see the attraction to the idea of a sort of minimal effort for maximum pay off situation, it still strikes me as odd when I see it happening.  And it's not only old fellas either.  We've seen young good looking guys (hello sailor) at it too which has to make you wonder.  They could just go on a night out and pull.  I think for many of these guys the attraction is that they pay for the service and it's easier than summoning the courage to chat up a girl.  Either way, I don't agree with it and it makes me sick to see these old fellas walking around hand in hand with naive (or are they?) girls.  What must these poor girls be thinking? I bet they can make a vodka and coke last for hours knowing that when it's finished they're going back to the hotel to suck a wrinkly.....you know.  As with most things I see and disagree with I have to understand that I can't impose my western ideals or change the world.  It's also ignorant of me to assume that a) the guys are perverted, lonely and sad and b) that the working girls hate their job.  I just call it as I see it and what I see ain't pretty.

The Death Railway over the River Kwai.

Now, it's not all been pants shitting and prostitutes.  Since landing we've visited some amazing places as we've traveled through the North of Thailand.  We've been to Bangkok, Kanchanaburi, Ayutthaya and Chiang Mai, all of which have been, as per usual, amazing.  However, of all the ancient ruins, temples, waterfalls and idyllic scenery the best thing I have seen so far is an all out dancing, hoola-hoop spinning, sit down cross legged harmonica playing elephant.  Yeah, read that sentence again to make sure you take it all in and take time to create a vivid image in your mind of what that actually must have looked like.  If you can't I have a video of said elephant.  These Thai folk sure can train their pets and whether you agree with it or not, you can't take anything away from the spectacle of such a performance.

Anyway, moving away from dancing elephants the next few weeks will see us travel further North into Laos and then through to Vietnam.  Hopefully the pace will pick up again and we will be busy experiencing all that South East Asia has to offer.  I'll be keeping my eye out for the most weird and wonderful things so that I can share them with you.

Lessons learned this week;

1. I have no idea whether I should be using 'Learned' or 'Learnt' for the above phrase.
2. If an elephant has more skills than you, you need to make more of your free time.
3. Thai people might just be honest.
4. It's possible to find a room in Chiang Mai that has a hot shower, TV and swimming pool and only costs five quid a night.