Dino-Lizard Vs. Monster Spider 4

I'm nervous.  Last night I had a dream that Laura was having an affair with some douche bag who had a stupid hair cut.  It seems they were meeting up whenever I popped out to write my blog.  I'm not sure of the exact logistics of how the affair works, but I can only guess that he is following us everywhere we go and Laura is texting him using a secret phone that I don't know about to tell him to come over.  Sounds possible.  I'm going to be keeping my wits about me for the next couple of weeks just in case.  I'm on to you Laura.

In the last couple of weeks or so we have made our way out of Thailand and into Malaysia.  Although we had a great time in Thailand, we were more than ready to leave after six weeks.  We made one last pit stop in Koh Lanta to catch up with an old friend who we first met in China and then jumped the boarder to Penang.

Anything to get away from the Monkey gang.

Koh Lanta is a reasonably small, quiet island located in the South of Thailand.  While we were there we spent a bit of time chilling out by the pool and visited a cave and a national park.  The caving experience was incredible.  We've been on a few caving trips since leaving home but none that required us to navigate around spiders, bats, bamboo bridges over 10m drops to total darkness (and likely more spiders) and through tunnels too small to fit through with a bag on.  It was slightly nerve racking but entirely rewarding.  After going through the caves we set off to the national park on our mopeds.  There were six of us in total so we were essentially like the Hells Angels only slightly harder and more bad ass.  The trouble with being in a biker gang is that you attract attention from rival gangs.  En route to the national park we had a few encounters with small monkey gangs.  They were sat on the sides of the roads smoking cigars with biker helmets on just waiting for us to drive past so they could take a swipe at us.  Well, not quite but any that we did see ran for us and either tried to jump on us or scratch us.  I have to admit, I was a little scared.  Luckily we got to the national park unharmed.  On the way back things were slightly different. Where there had been the odd monkey kicking about on the road there were now full on clans of about 20 or 30 (no shit, there were loads of them) just sitting there picking nits out of each others fur and scratching their arse holes.  Now, I wouldn't want to get scratched by a monkey at the best of times but a monkey scratching me with it's shit covered fingers is a step too far.  Dirty tactics that.  We had to stop our bikes in the road to figure out what to do. We discussed our options and we were left with only one;  A "Brave Heart" style showdown.  We decided it was best to stick close to each other in order to look as big as possible but that lasted all of two seconds. When the monkey's saw that we were advancing they started for us and split us up.  Suddenly the 20-30 monkey's in in the road were running and screeching trying their best to get on the bikes to bite or scratch us. They were all over us and all we could do was drive.  I saw one go under the front wheel of Ashley's bike and other than that I can't remember much, it was a bit of a blur.  We got through the the battlefield unharmed but slightly shaken.  Not the relaxing ride we were hoping for.  I think I'll hang up my leathers for while.

After Koh Lanta we were off to Penang.  Penang is an Island off the West coast of Malaysia.  It's not like the islands we had been on previously in Thailand, it's more of a city.  We had a fantastic time there.  The city itself is beautiful,  it's steeped in history and has some amazing heritage sites.  For me though the best thing in Penang is the food.  Ho-ly Shit.  As there are so many different cultures in Malaysia (and in particular, Penang) it's easy to find all types of food.  There is a very large Chinese and Indian community so where ever you are there are always street venders working away over a frying pan or wok.  I must have put on about a stone in the 5 days we were there but I just couldn't stop eating.  The food is so cheap and so tasty it's easy to get fat.  On top of cheap street food you can get a Big Mac meal for just over a quid.  A QUID! If they were a quid at home we'd have a real problem on our hands.  People would get uber fat, uber quick.  Although eating pretty much dominated our time in Penang we did have a chance to dig a little deeper into the Malaysian culture.  Back when I was in the UK studying I met a lad from Penang who was on the same course as me.  He had moved over to the UK to get his degree.  A pretty bold thing to do.  I worked with him a few times during group projects and helped him out occasionally when he was struggling to get his work together.  It's not easy studying for a degree when it's in your own language never mind in a foreign language.  I never really gave him as much of my time as I should have though and even though he didn't have a big social circle I never made the effort to include him in my plans.  Looking back I can see that I should have made more effort for the lad.  Anyway, he moved back to Penang after graduating and I never really heard from him again.  I decided to send him a message on Facebook saying I was going to be in his 'hood' for a few days and asked if he wanted to go for a drink or something.

Our hosts in Penang.

He replied saying that he would show us around and take us to his home so that we could meet his family.  He ended up spending his whole weekend driving us around, taking us to posh restaurants and bars, giving us information about what we were seeing and wouldn't let us spend a penny.  I felt a streak of pure guilt.  He was so pleased to have us in his home town and would do anything to make sure we had a good time.  I could tell he was proud.  When the situation was reversed and he was in my home town I essentially did fuck all for him.  I feel shitty for that. On top of his weekend tour, he arranged with his family to have us over for a traditional Malaysian dinner. Being welcomed into a family home like we were is something we haven't experienced so far on this trip. We had great food, lots of beer, and great chat.  We learnt a lot about how a normal Malaysian family works, and guess what? They're just as dysfunctional, loving, annoying, kind and proud as my family and yours.  A family is a family it turns out, no matter where you are.  During our dinner our host was particularly attentive, spooning food onto our plates faster than we could eat it.  It reminded me of a similar situation we faced in India in a guest house.  I don't mind, to me the food is always good, I'll eat anything and be grateful for it.  Laura on the other hand sits and skwirms.

Our extended Malaysian family.

I love watching her in these situations.  She's a bit picky, she doesn't like her food to touch other food on her plate and she's scared of curries when she doesn't really know what's in them.  So when she has a lady spooning random curries and fried fish onto her plate her face is a sight.  She tries to be polite but inside she is terrified.  I can see her mind calculating how she can get the food off her plate and either on to mine or into the dog bowl without anyone seeing.  The answer is that she can't.  Asian women like to sit and watch you enjoy their food.  So it can only go one place, down the hatch.  She just about made it through dinner without hurling or insulting our host but dessert posed another problem, even for me.  Imagine a trifle.  Delicious right? Cream, custard, jelly and sponge.  What I'd give for a bit of my Mam's home made trifle.  Right, now swap out the jelly and sponge for a salty, malty goo.  Swap the custard for condensed sweet milk and swap the cream for boiled sweet potato.  I don't know what it's called but I was gagging trying to get it down.  I managed a few mouthfuls and had to give up.  Laura saw me struggle and decided not to try.  Not quite what we're used to but clearly Mrs Supraminiam had gone to a great deal of trouble so for that we are very grateful.

That yellow thing isn't a mushroom.  It's a table and chairs.

After out very homely experience in Penang we were bound for the Perhentian Islands.  It took a night bus and speed boat to get there which actually wasn't too bad but it left us feeling pretty tired and groggy.  We landed on the beach at about 8am and I went for the usual stroll looking for accommodation while Laura sat in a cafe and 'watched the bags' (i.e. sat on her arse drinking fruit juice while I sweated my bollocks off walking up and down the beach).  There were lots of hotels and what not but none of them had anyone on reception so I couldn't check in.  Annoying.  I walked around for two hours looking for a place before finding two options.  A massively overpriced room that was well out of our price range or a shitty timber structure covered by a tin A frame roof with a mattress on the floor (which was also over priced).  After arguing about which room to stay in we decided we try and give it a go in the nasty A frame hut.  We slept for a few hours and I woke up to the sight of a lizard chasing a fucking huge spider across the wall right above my head.  That's it.  I'm fed up with this day.  Why am I paying for this shitty room when I won't get any sleep or enjoy a single second that I spend here? I got up, woke Laura up and we checked into a nicer room that was way out of our price range and still pretty shitty.  At least we would be able to sleep without being wrapped in a web and dragged to the monster spider's lair.  On our first day in our new "posh" hotel we saw what we thought were three big lizards which were cool as fuck! I don't know what type they were, they were about 1ft long and really interesting to watch.  I was pretty excited that they were kicking about our room most mornings.  It turns out a 1ft long lizard isn't actually that big.  Who knew?  One day while we were eating lunch we saw what can only be described as a fucking dinosaur.  I've since learned that what we actually saw was a 5 ft long Monitor Lizard which could apparently eat a dog, which is about the same size as a toddler, which means it could eat a toddler, which is a human, which means we can describe it as a man eating lizard.  It wasn't doing much, it just kind of passed by without noticing us but I was pretty excited to see it.

No matter how hard we tried we couldn't get a good pose.

That wasn't our only brush with nature during our time there.  We went out on a snorkeling day trip which allowed us to get up close and personal with all sorts of fish, a turtle, a reef shark, a Finding Nemo (as it is scientifically referred to) and what I thought was a whale but turned out to be Laura swimming in the distance.  Too far?  I know it is but insulting your girlfriend for a cheap and easy laugh is too much fun.  Or is it cheap and easy girlfriend? OK, now I know I'm in the dog house.  It was nice knowing you all.

It's the best time ever to be British and the best time ever to be in England.  I didn't realise quite how much having the Olympics on home turf would make me miss home and make me want to be back there.  It's a real one off and probably the most important positive event that has happened in England in my lifetime so far (apart from TalentStar....obviously).  To watch the opening ceremony we had to stay up til 6am.  Not easy after traveling for 12 hours on the bus earlier in the day but as I said, it's a one off.  I thought the ceremony was absolutely incredible.  I don't know what the feeling back home is, but the Brits who we've spoken to here thought the same as us.  It made me very proud to be British.  Laura was in tears the whole time.  I think seeing all the images of England and all that it stands for made us both homesick and we both could probably do with a weekend back at home.  I'm hoping that the games run smoothly and that the event is regarded as one of the best.  I'm also hoping that my bet for a Chinese fella drowning at some point comes off.
Watching The Queen parachute from a helicopter got me thinking of the phrase 'when pigs fly'.  Not because I think she is a pig but because it's one of those things that you could never imagine seeing.  You wouldn't even dream it up.  I really really hope there is a fella somewhere who's wife has agreed to some kind of degrading, dirty sexual act on the basis of "if the queen parachutes from a helicopter with James bond on live television....."  That guy will be laughing his head off.  

Some bad news.  You may have noticed there are no photos.  Very observant of you.  Unfortunately something weird has happened to my card which means I can't get the photos off it and onto the PC to load to the blog.  Sorry! I can't handle the thought of losing two months worth of photos so I'm not even going to muck around with it.  If possible I'll update the post later, and, if I can't, I'll put in extra photos next time.

Some good news.  Last week we were granted our Australian working visa's so we're good to go.  It's just over a month until we fly to Perth where the whole game changes.  We have to find jobs, integrate in a westernised community, shower everyday and try and start a new life.  I'm excited and nervous all at the same time.  Still a few more destinations before that comes though so I'll be sure to keep you in the loop.

Lessons Learnt This Week;

1. Its better to be eaten alive by a Dino-Lizard than a Monster Spider.
2. Don't mess with monkeys in biker gang attire. 
3. The Queen is a bad ass.
4. It's OK to get homesick.
5. Make time for foreigners in our country.  You might need them to repay the favor one day.