Road Rash?!

I always try to let Laura read my blog posts before I publish them just to make sure I've not been too offensive or crossed any lines.  I like to balance somewhere between a jape and an insult if I can.  I'm trying my hardest to prod fun at every race, ethnicity, country, disability and sexual preference but without actually stepping the boundary into being a racist or gay basher.  I like to think that largely I have succeeded in doing so.  This time though, Laura has warned me that I might be being a little to harsh about some people.  I kind of agree, but what can I do? When Laura shit the bed  I was honest and wrote about it.  If I see something I think is funny, I share it with you.  In the interest of being honest throughout this trip I have to call it as I see it.  If what I see is a fat sweaty Glaswegian fella who makes my skin crawl, I have to say that's what I saw.  I mean no harm.

I honestly thought I looked cool at the time.

Just to give you a quick update, we're still in Laos and we're slowly making our way south into Cambodia. We've been in Luang Prabang (where I last posted), spent a few days tubing in Vang Vieng, went on a boat trip through a 7.5km cave in Ko Long and I'm sat now in......I literally can't remember....somewhere near some waterfalls or something. Anyway, life in Laos is slow.  Slower than anywhere we've been yet and I guess as we see the people around us moving like sloths we've kind of copied them.  It's been a relaxing break.

Our first little bit of excitement was tubing on the Mekong river in Vang Vieng. Tubing in Laos is a right of passage for any traveler in or around the country.  If you were here and didn't do it, you're a loser, or so they say.  Tubing is a big piss up on a river lined with bars where the only way to get from free shot to free shot is on the water in an inflatable tube. Each time you stop at a bar you are encouraged to drink as much free liquor as you can before being directed to diving platforms, zip-lines and tree swings that ordinarily I wouldn't dream of using for fear of hitting rocks in the water but after a few free shots I'm hard as fuck...........and rich, and my banter is superb, and all the ladies love me.  You all know the feeling.  I was dreading it to be honest,  the last thing I wanted was to be surrounded by drunken dick heads acting like, well, drunken dick heads.  I'm not much into that.  Surprisingly though I wasn't surrounded by idiots, the people we met there were some of the nicest we've come across so that kind of made my day.  From what I remember I had a blast, we all did.  I can't remember much mind, here is the just of what I do recall.

• Arrive at first bar, drink shots and beer.
• Float to second bar, drink shots and buckets of Lao-Lao.
• Something about jumping into the water.
• Something about nicking a bar's microphone and announcing free Jagermeister shots for everyone....and getting them.
• Something about capsizing a friends tube in the river and kicking her in the head.
• Something about a monkey.
• Something about dancing about trying to catch butterflies on the riverbank.
• Something about doing a strip tease while pouring beer all over myself.
• Blank.
• Blank.

What was it I was saying about drunken dick heads? You can take the lad out of The Toon but you can't take The Toon out of the lad.

Trying to smile even though two-face is round the corner.

After nursing a day long hang over we then headed to Ko Long Cave.  It's not one of the biggest in the world, I'm not sure if it comes close but it is 7.5km long, pitch black and bloody cool.  I was a little nervous about it, I couldn't stop thinking about flash floods.  I don't know why, I don't even fully know what a flash flood is.  Never mind, the guides navigating the boats will make me feel more comfortable right? Nope.  The guide navigating the boats looked like a bad guy from a horror movie about pirates.  He didn't have a wooden leg and a parrot, he had half a face.  No shit.  Half a face. His jaw and teeth were all over the shop. His was just eyes, then teeth, kind of like a skull.  It was weird. I'm not talking about a hilarious Tommy Lee Jones style two face either.  No.  I'm talking about a scary ass bad guy pirate mother fucker. I'll be honest with you, I'm not mocking the guy, I feel sorry for him and to mock him in any way shows a lack of sensitivity and maturity.  I get that.  But, If you look like a scary pirate mother fucker, do not apply for a job where you have to navigate already nervous tourists into a 7.5km pitch black cave on a boat.  It just seems wrong.  As it happens the caves weren't as scary as I thought they were going to be, it was actually an exhilarating experience and I'd love to do it again.  Next time though let the pirate fella hand out the life jackets or something, don't put him on the boat.  No scrap that, no pirate fellas anywhere near the attraction.

Since leaving England we haven't really met many English (or British) people but a couple of nights ago I had the pleasure of bumping into a Glaswegian chap in the street.  If I say Glaswegian what do you think of?   Well I didn't really have an opinion, I had figured they might be holding some kind of battered Mars Bar or pizza though.  But, this guy didn't have any battered goods so I have egg on my face.  He was however obese and rotund, surrounded by prostitutes, pissed out of his brain and luckily for me, he wanted to be best mates.  Oh, sure, I'll hang out with you, I love hanging out with prostitutes and drunk fat men. Laura and our friends managed to escape his grasp so it just left me and him on a one on one.  Brilliant.  I tried to keep the conversation light but all I could get out of him was "I'm fucking starving man, I need to get some food before I take these girls back".  Wow.  I tried to walk a little faster to see if I could lose him but he explained that he was in agony and couldn't walk any faster because he had road rash.  What the fuck is road rash?! Why are you telling me?! I figured it was some kind of rash that had occurred as a result of his fat thighs rubbing together in the sweltering Laos heat.  If you get to a point in your life where you can't haul your fat ass to a take away to get a pizza because your fat legs are hurting after rubbing together so badly that it pains you to walk, you should not be trying to walk to a takeaway for a pizza.  That should be obvious to even the fattest, dumbest pizza eating Glaswegian.

That bug there is dinner to some people.

It hasn't all been fat Glaswegians and half faced pirates though.  I met the coolest little lad in a guest house in the middle of the Laos countryside.  Right out in the sticks kids have to make their own fun.  I think it's like the old days.  So at night when the sun was down this little lad would turn on a light bulb and wait to attract a variety of bugs that he could catch and eat.  Yep.  Making your own fun.  After about 10 minutes or so of waiting, a beetle the size of a robin flew in and started buzzing around the light bulb.  It sounded like a chainsaw.  He caught it with his bare hands and was pretty pleased with himself.  He brought it to us to show it off but I'm not sure we gave him the reaction he was hoping for.  Instead off applause and high fives, he was offered a screaming Laura running around the table to get away from him.  I managed to pluck up a bit of courage and asked him to put it on my hand.  It's just a bug, and this kid was like seven so how bad could it be? Quite bad actually.  The thing had hooks for feet and as soon as it touched me it hooked itself into my hand.  There was no getting it off.  Now I don't like to make a scene or lose face but I straight up panicked.  Seeing a seven year old boy laugh at me whilst I was pleading for his help was a low moment.  In the end I just had to rip it out of my hand.  It hurt like hell but the bug was worse off.  It had left a couple of legs behind in my hand.  I showed him.  Luckily the creature didn't have to put up with the pain of losing a couple of legs for very long before he was shoved in hot oil and fried.  Kindly, the little lad offered us a bite but we politely refused.  My Mam used to tell me about making your own fun, I never knew this is what she meant.

Laura always goes overboard at Tesco.

After our time in the countryside it was just a case of taking a 20 hour bus ride to where we are now.  No big deal.  As per usual the driver and his mates had a number of side businesses to tend to whilst on the road which included about 50 deliveries of fresh Vegetables.  I promise you that the drivers chilli bags took up more seats than the people.  We were lucky and found a seat but many others had to stand.  Bizarre. The roads in Laos are as dangerous as the rest of Asia and I couldn't help feeling that if we were to be in a head on collision with another bus, the locals could literally just scoop us out and serve us as curry on the road side. We would have been perfectly garnished and spiced.






 Lessons Learnt This Week;

1. Don't believe the Lonely Planet when it states that a bus will take 6 hours.  It doesn't consider drivers side businesses.
2. Don't try to be hard and hold big beetles, you will end up looking like a girl.
3. Don't worry about drunken dick heads ruining your day when in fact you are a drunken dick head.